Messages “me ” – What They Are And How They Improve Communication

“I” messages are a particularly useful communication tool when we want to express our thoughts or emotions without hurting our interlocutor.

For example, imagine a situation in which we do not like the behavior of another person. Most of us will have a hard time expressing our discomfort and the feelings it causes. And not everyone will find it easy to convey clear messages of “me” .

When such circumstances arise, we often avoid saying what we really think about the situation. We do not want to get into a conflict. And when we decide to say something, we just don’t find the right words. This prevents us from being assertive enough not to offend our interlocutor.

In this case, “I” messages are a very suitable technique as they allow us to express ourselves respectfully and without reproach.

What are “I” messages?

“I” messages are a communication technique that allows us to express our feelings assertively, without attacking our interlocutor.

First-person speaking is a priority to put them into practice. We must also focus our attention on the fact we are talking about while describing what emotions it evokes in us.

For example, consider the saying, “You never pick up your things or put anything in its place! You always scatter them! ” These are words of criticism that can often occur between two people living together. Hearing a sentence expressed in this way, a person can very easily feel attacked and may react in a similar way.

But imagine that instead we say, “Last month, I had the full burden of keeping the house tidy, and I felt no support in this area.” Are these not much better chosen words? The person describes what happened and expresses how he felt, but does not focus on blaming the other party.

Expressing the message in this way will also make the interlocutor feel more empathetic towards us. In addition, he will not feel judged and it will be easier for him to express his emotions in a peaceful manner.

“I” messages and “you” messages – important differences

“You” messages are typically used in poorly conducted discussions or arguments. Let’s look at some of the aspects that distinguish them from “I” messages.

Blame

“You” messages make good communication difficult, because the other person can easily feel attacked if we blame them for what happened. But pointing out the blame will only backfire. A person will start to defend himself, will not want to acknowledge his responsibility, and will certainly resist such criticism.

On the other hand, the ‘I’ message minimizes a defensive posture. Our interlocutor will react in a completely different way if we say: ” Yesterday I felt terrible because of you ” than when we say: ” I was sad yesterday because you did not call me .”

Judging

In “you” messages, the sender makes a judgment about the other person. Consequently, the only thing it generates is even more aversion. For example, when we say, “You always do the same, you will never change!” we take away the other person’s opportunity and willingness to solve the problem.

Instead, saying, “I get nervous when you don’t let me know you’re going to be late” would be a much better solution. This message describes the emotions of the sender and does not go so far as to judge the other party.

Solving the conflict

The “you” messages do not solve the basic problem, on the contrary, they usually make it worse. On the other hand , “me” messages are a good strategy for finding a solution by the two parties involved.

So let’s focus on describing what happened, expressing how we feel, and proposing alternative behavior. This approach can greatly assist in conflict resolution.

How to use “I” messages?

• First of all, we formulate the sentence in the first person: “I am worried when …”, “I feel bad when …”, “I am sad because …”.
• We describe the behavior of the other person as objectively as possible: “When you are late without notice …” “When I tell you how my day has been and you focus on other problems …” “When you talk in a negative way about my best friend …

• We explain how this behavior affects us: “… I feel you don’t respect me or value my time”, “I feel ignored”, “I feel that you don’t appreciate me enough.”
• We propose a solution: “I would appreciate it if you let me know in advance when you are late.”, “I’d rather go shopping early next time to avoid so many queues.” “I’d like to split this responsibility between the two of us next week.”

“I” messages are useful in communicating with anyone. Use them in conversations with friends, partner, family, coworkers, or people you’ve just met.

The important thing about communicating in this way is that we prevent blame or blame. On the contrary, the interlocutor sees that we explain the situation to him and that we suggest a solution but do not attack him.

This way our partner will not defend himself and at the same time he will understand that we are not feeling well. So it will be much easier for him to cooperate with us in resolving the conflict.